Unfortunately, we women often have the ability to complicate our lives, we often end up victims of typical mistakes or, better said, sentimental scripts that we ourselves have built over time. By sentimental scripts we mean action strategies and modes of attitude that are assumed in the relationship with the other sex. Script is a term that we borrow from the theater: the actor learns to stage the attitudes and behaviors characteristic of his character.
The difference between the theatrical and the love script is that the latter is not acted deliberately but carried out spontaneously and without any planning. These scripts, in reality, are not something negative, they develop over the course of our life and derive from our personal, interpersonal and family experience. If a person develops a script it is because it gave him success in his childhood and adolescence, otherwise he would not develop it. Therefore, initially, they work effectively, at first they are good solutions, but then, if they are structured as automatic mechanisms, which we cannot avoid, they become a source of problems.
If we manage to behave according to our script but in a flexible way this becomes a winning feature, if it stiffens it becomes a trap from which we no longer know how to get out. This also happens to the most intelligent, beautiful and successful women, who in their love life become victims of sublime self-deceptions! However, no script in itself is wrong or sick, it gets sick when it becomes inevitable, when it stiffens.
Giorgio Nardone, through his research-intervention work, from his personal and professional experience, has isolated 17 scripts.
MAINLY ADOLESCENT SCRIPTS
- The fairy
- The Witch
- The Toad Kisser
- The Sleeping Beauty
- She who is looking for Prince Charming
SCRIPT PLAYED WITH A WEAK MALE PARTNER
- The wound licker
- The ferryman
- The Red Cross nurse
- The hunter
- The Amazon
- The rampant
- The couple's manager
- The training ship
SCRIPTS WHERE WOMAN IS THE WEAK PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP
- The chameleon
- The constant seductress
- The moralist
Why do we talk about women's mistakes?
The woman is currently the advantageous lever on which to lean to trigger a change. In the Western world, the overprotective family and society have favored a gentle castration of the traditional male who now delegates to women the responsibilities and roles he once held. The trap is that at first the woman is happy, gratified, to take on these responsibilities but then she can find herself deeply disillusioned and in difficulty.
Furthermore, women, being more prone to self-criticism, represent the most collaborative part and available to change, moreover they are those who really complain about sentimental dissatisfactions.
Because of this fact and the problem solving methodology, if I complain about a problem and want to solve it, I must first analyze the mistakes I make, before evaluating those of others. If I can recognize mistakes and change the way I relate, I will consequently change my partner's ways as well.
As the Stoic philosopher said Epictetus"Accusing others of one's misfortunes is the way of ignorance, accusing oneself means beginning to understand, not accusing others or oneself is the way of wisdom".
The fairy woman
Beautiful, good, good. Available, he always says yes. You see the good and the good everywhere. However, this adorable being of hers is like a medicine that turns into poison when overdosed. She is unable to initiate or tolerate a conflictual dynamic in the relationship: she overcomes anything because her goal is to maintain the serenity of the relationship.
The fairy risks meeting the male character on the opposite side or the faithless, usually aggressive and incorrect, so the fairy will run the risk of being punished for being so unconditionally perfect and lovable. The risk is to turn into a "witch in the senses", to turn into sinful and aggressive. However, this change is very risky because it creates a sort of inner conflict in the fairy that will turn against her.
The fairy's goal is to avoid the trap of always being available, of always saying yes and always seeing a positive outcome in things, training to know how to distance herself, to give refusals and to know how to say no. She otherwise she risks suffering continuously without being able to correct the wrong behavior of the other.
From the Homeric tradition, Penelope is the one who waits, spinning and unthreading the canvas, for the return of her husband. The Modern Penelope is different from the Ancient one. Often nowadays, Penelope is the one who is beautiful, very smart, self-confident, successful but who bonds with a man who has another relationship, often a family. She therefore plays the role of the lover who waits for her man to get rid of her. Attempting to wait for heroic love to come back and convince her turns into the trap of being overly available and even taking care of her partner's family.
Penelope, being too available, risks being unable to undermine her partner's other relationship (risks being complementary to the other relationship). For the male there are only advantages and no burden and sometimes it happens that, even when the male decides to leave one of the two, she does not make it because the loss of one of the two also puts the other relationship in crisis.
For Penelope it is important to start being a little bit the one who runs away, who moves away, because the partner runs the risk of leaving the other. As long as she is there she is complementary to the relationship she would like to break up.
The Toad Kisser
Ancient and modern script. She is usually an intelligent woman, with high self-esteem, tenacious (even in the attempted solution of managing the partner with the illusion of changing him). She is about the one that she puts up with a person with certainly not good characteristics and wants to make him a prince with her loving care. What's the trap?
In fairy tales the princess kisses the toad who thus transforms himself into a prince. This does not happen in reality, on the contrary, the toad after the kiss of the princess becomes even more unpleasant. The toad kisser in fact tries to transform the other on the basis of the belief that in the other there is something good that must come out, that in reality there really isn't.
Why do these women tend to meet the toad?
Because they are in need of strong stimuli and sensations that they do not find in the typical male. In the transgressive but dangerous man they see the charm of the powerful man. Therefore it is important that the toad kisser learns to observe all the miserable characteristics in man and that she keeps well away from them otherwise she will become a victim not of man but of the fact of being the one who heals the man who has an illness, from his evil, through all its good.
How to get out of a rigid script?
The person who wants to get out of the limit of a single script should undertake to interpret different love and sentimental scripts, so as to make his or her more elastic. In other words, keep his basic script and contaminate it with different ways of relating with the other sex: the optimal thing is to add a script that is not too contrasting with the spontaneous one (however it is necessary that the person maintain a certain internal balance ) but which is still a real counterweight to be truly corrective.
It is important that we women express that amount of ambiguity necessary to not be too predictable and manageable by the male, oscillating between different modes of behavior. For example the "Fairy - Seductress”Should become somewhat of a Manager. The "Witch-amazon"Should become" She who seeks the prince charming ".
Dr. Elena Dacrema (Official Psychotherapist of the Strategic Therapy Center)
Nardone G. (2010),Women's mistakes (in love) Ponte alle Grazie, Milan.